Hello hello. "How have you been?"
I haven't written in eons, but I am still alive! I think...
Lately I feel so indifferent and yet ambivalent about choices and events in my life. I don't like it. I want to feel alive. I want to be vibrant and vivacious... but I just feel lost and insignificant.
The funny thing is that I definitely have been embracing God's message that He is all we need. Good grades, a job, etc, are all things that help us survive or that can deserve merit, but God is really the only need I have that cannot be qualified subjectively for me. So why do I feel so down?
Psalm 43:5 spoke out to me this week:
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
Yes, I want to praise Him! Yes, I want to put all of my hope into Him. And yet... what am I doing? I feel like a shell. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I am only human.
I wonder what I've gone and done to myself to change into this person I barely recognize... suffering from sleepless nights. Since when has smiling become a chore? I won't give up, I won't give in... but for today I will give it up to God. It's too strong for me today... and I wonder if it'll be okay if I pray that prayer again tomorrow...